...and not the 'hand down the back of the couch' type of looking for change.
I need to make some changes. I need to sort out my career inertia, work on my health, travel, improve my finances, dance more often, create, get a new computer, trim, sort and give away things. I know I've said this once or twice before, but it's a feeling that is growing in urgency. I need to do something different, be someone more authentically me, change my circumstances.
Not to run away from anything, because that's not me. It's more a feeling that through inaction, inattention & inertia (and maybe insomnia) I've slid, I've found myself in a place I'm not entirely comfortable in. Not exactly in the dark part of the wood, but maybe on the wrong path into the wrong wood.
Time also to take care of myself and my needs. Set some boundaries that have become eroded, be more honest and up front with people about what my needs are. Fear of upsetting people has meant that I've bitten my tongue, swallowed down the feelings of disappointment and frustration. Sometimes I've written those feelings off as my own ego taking a front seat. Some of that's true, but I think I've also been unhelpfully vague about what I need or expect.
It's time to plan. To map a few things out. Not something I'm comfortable doing sadly. I love new experience and spontaniety, but that's also the upside of being a procrastinator and a poor goal setter. I'm resolving to work on that. Make space in my life for more joy, more excitement.
I'm not unhappy, not frequently anyway, but I think I need to chart a fresh course. One that avoids the doldrums.
12 comments:
I hear you, mon frere. You know I do. Please tell me that we're seeking answers and truth and authenticity and this is not just so very midlife cliche. Or are they one and the same?
No, it isn't a midlife crisis. I did kind of reach the end of my patience about a few issues in the past few days though, and that made me think about my role in letting that happen. And consequently, my role in changing it. I think there is some degree of feeling like life is passing me by, maybe in light of the death of my friend Aveline recently. I've coasted for a while and that's ok if the tide bears you in the right direction. Know what I mean? Time to plan to improve things I think. Not exactly be selfish, but maybe be more active and honest about what I need.
Ah, the everlasting existential crisis sinks its claws into your mind too, I see. I reckon you should write a novel. A novel can be a place you put all your frustration and angst. No excuses. We all know you easily write well enough.
Just do it.
In unrelated news, my captcha text was "jocck". No kidding. If you build it they will come? Have you been paying someone off Andrew? :-)
Laubscher, I've been thinking more and more about writing. Knowing me though it would be something extremely heavy in mixed metaphors... :) I think I find opinion easier to write, at least for the time being.
I don't know that this is exactly crisis. It's more like I woke up to the fact that getting pissed off isn't helpfull if you haven't actively tried to change things, or make the parameters clear. You know? It's about trying to make change happen rather than wish it into being.
When you get "hotjock4u" as a word verification let me know, I think I know him.
But i agree as Michael somewhat of a "midlife cliche" apathy combined with the day to day "downers" that one would usually breeze through. Also a seeking of the more. There has to be more. Sure there are the life and the death issues that we ponder upon, but who has gotten past feeling as though they are still 21 years old in many other ways despite the passing of the years. I still feel it. A growing of knowledge and wisdom but still feel 21 years old. So it is the now. What is it we need. As a community & as individuals.... well i intend to figure it out.
TOA…on most days I read your blog and love it. Today it made me leave my desk and have a little cry. ‘Cause my hubby reads my blog I have been unable to publish my true feelings about the wrong wood for a long time and thank you for voicing them for me. PS. The lopsided curtains also reflect just how I feel.
Oh, I'm sorry if I upset you, but I'm glad that you found something you could connect with in my story.
The thing I like about the 'lopsided curtains' is that you can look out of any pane of those windows and see almost a different view. Filtered through a different colour. That's like our experience, don't you think? The view is actually the same, but each day we see it through a slightly different coloured filter. Good days, bad days, days in between. I hope tommorrow is a more rosy coloured day for you! Take care.
You didn't upset me, just brought into sharp relief exactly how I've been feeling for a while. Keep up the good work and I hope you too get to sort yourself out as you wish too. The first step may be to sleep well ;-)
Ah, I see your concerns were more practical than existential, but isn't it interesting (and satisfying) that we see (and benefit) in different ways from you putting it out there?
Good luck on the follow through, Homes.
HURRAY! Here's to new challenges, new directions, new travels. Here's to shaking our the cobwebs and finding yourself again.
Big hugs TOA
There is a particular theory in alternative spiritual studies that says the age of 42 is the age of changes (every 7 years, it goes, you reach a new "age". I called 28 "The Year of the Clue" and most people I know hit some major life change within 2 years of that age). I know I'm facing them. There are potential large changes coming in my life, and if those don't pan out, I have to go looking for more opportunities. The urge came out of nowhere, apparently, but there it is.
Nothing else to really offer, but one book I happened across this year that has been very useful to me is "This Year I Will..." by M.J. Ryan. It's all about various strategies and methods to make changes that stick, whatever they are, and how to prevent the usual obstacles (inertia, fear, uncertainty) from derailing your changes.
hey TOA, provocative post.
I think you have the capacity to work out an awful lot of the stuff that you want to do and to be able to achieve it. not just the 'tick-a-box' obvious things, but the more deeply satisfying stuff. you've been doing that for a while, and I think you know you can work it out. just a matter of paying enough attention to yourself, and bothering to do the things which become clear.
I gotta do that some time myself!
go forth and do it baby.
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