This Never Happens In My Office

Why does this never happen? This should happen!

A Christmas Miracle

This is the honest truth, yesterday I served a customer by the name of Mrs Clauss. Mrs Claus! (Almost, just overlook the slight spelling variation.) So I had to ask, and yes the novelty wore thin many years ago. Right about the time that she made her phone number silent.

Maths Is Hard

My Kind Of Advertising

I love this. I know it's only a viral marketing stunt to sell more cars, but what the hell... I'd be down that slide in a flash! Watching the different types of people taking the Fast Lane option made me grin like a fool.

[Inside Voice] Outside Voice

To set the scene, I spent all of today on my own in the new (net yet open) store putting stock on the shelves. With the iPod in my ears. With occasional sing-along/bop-along action.

...:::LOUD KNOCK:::...

Me:
["Who's that?"] "Um. Can I help you?"

Unknown Woman:
"Got any mohair?"

Me (pointedly looking at the papered over windows with COMING SOON signage):
["Oh, GREAT. a) rude! b) are you serious? c) anyway, "got" is a lazy word*] "Sorry, we're not open yet."

Unknown Woman:
"I thought you'd want to sell me some mohair."

Me:
["You would think I'd WANT to, wouldn't you?"] "We'll be open in a week... or two."

Unknown Woman:
"I'll be gone by then."

Me:
["Good riddance!"] "Um, okay"

*To this very day I hesitate to use the words "got" and "get", courtesy of one of my better High School English teachers who dubbed them lazy. "Acquired", "received", "bought"... any word that was more specific and more of a stretch of vocabulary was preferred.

You're Doing It Wrong!

As a tribute to the educational power of infommercials, I bow to present:

It's a wonder these people can even leave the house in the morning.

The First Lady of Cameroon

I suspect Chantal Biya, first lady of Cameroon, may be a little insane in the membrane.

"Who is the old man with the little white cap?"

"He calls that a Jesus hat? THIS is a Jesus hat!"

"Yes, yes, riveting. Where did the little Jewish man go?"

Under A Bloody Sun

I've been in a habit of waking up earlier than I need to for the past week or so, instead of 7am I've been waking up at 5.50, 6.05... any number of really, really too early times. So when I woke up too early again this morning, I cracked an eye open and saw bright orange light against my window blinds. "Wow, bright sunrise." I thought and rolled over to try and catch some more zzzzzzs.

Except, an hour later the light was still bright orange.



This is how Sydney looks this morning. Early this morning gale force winds drove a huge dust storm of red dust in that has blanketed the city. A 'once in a lifetime event' the morning news shows are calling it. Everything looks surreal, like the city has been blanketed in bright orange fog. I nipped outside briefly to see what was going on, and I could feel the dust in the air in my eyes and the back of my throat.

They are recommending anyone who can should stay indoors but I'm still going to try and get to work, as I don't have any ongoing respiratory issues to be overly concerned about. (Plus, I'm going to grab my camera and see if I can't get some pics of my own.) I am going to set out much earlier than normal as well, I can't imagine that our already fragile public transport system hasn't gone into complete chaos.

Wish me luck.

[Pic via The Sydney Morning Herald.]

5 Things Found Rolling Around In The Bag I Carry To Work: Ewww, What's THAT? Edition

• 3 biros from The Big Christian Charity where I used to work. They sit nicely in the hand, write well, and given that they ordered 1,500 of them with the wrong phone number on them, not stolen. I actually had to stay "Stop! I have enough pens at home!".
  
• But the packets (2 sizes, 1 each) of Post-Its are definitely stolen a Gift With Toil from some workplace or other.
  
• A packet of blood pressure pills with no actual pills in it. Likewise a purse pack (whatever) of aloe vera tissues with no actual aloe vera tissues in it.
  
• A $9.95 radio, bought from a novelty/bits of everything shop in Little Vietnam in Bankstown. Amazingly it works ok, and kept me company on the lonely hours I was archiving files in the bowels of more than one bank branch.
  
• Old payslips. Old bills. (Paid, I think. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm fairly sure. I mean nothing has been cut off or disconnected yet.) Old fliers for various things. Apparently there was a food fair in March that sounds like it would have been good.
  

OMG! You Did WHAT?

I'm not sure if this is scary or fabulous, it kind of walks that edge you know. Courtesy of my friend David, I give you Why The F*** Do You Have A Kid?. I'd like to say that no kids were harmed in the making of this... but I'm not so sure.

It does however seem like the natural follow on from Tacky Weddings though, right?

5 Things About Wednesday, 19th August: Fabric And Other Forms Of Strain Edition

• Instead of my usual 'walk up to the train station and catch the train into the city' routine, this morning I decided to take a bus instead. Adventure! Oh, and I say A BUS rather than THE BUS because that would imply the bus I wanted actually arrived.
  
• During lunch I sat next to a young Chinese couple. They ate McDonalds and I ate Chinese. I guess the grass is always greener?
  
• My last customer of the day was a very pretty young woman who could not stop sniffing. I'm not talking the occasional sniff here, I'm talking relentless, I'm-sorry-I'm-trying-to-concentrate-on-selling-you-this-knitting-yarn-and-needles-but-frankly-I'm-imagining-smacking-you-too-much-to-really-pay-attention sniffing. Just as she was leaving, she pulled out a tissue and blew her nose. Gee, thanks.
  
• Shortly after arriving home I split the zip on my trousers. a) good timing! and b) seriously, could I be any more hung?
  
• Sadly, yes.

Hey, Is This Thing On?

I just visited my local library for my weekly bout of free web surfing and annoyance, only to discover that their computers are all down. Let me tell you, nothing gets the denizens of my local library computer area (Sniffing Man, Aggro Hiker Lesbian, Tutting Frau & Borderline Homeless Or Maybe Just Hygenically Challenged Guy, to name but a few) annoyed like deprivation of their free internet access. Oh the wailing and the nashing of teeth... and I always thought libraries were supposed to be quiet places.

It's funny how some people react to a change of circumstances. An older Indian chap walked in not longer after the librarians had explained that a power snafu meant that their would be no computers for you! today, walked up to the row of seriously off computers, read the Out Of Order signs, then proceeded to walk along and tap the keyboards of each one. So I (helpfully) told him that the computers are out of order.

Yes, they are out of order.

Yes, I am sure.

Yes, the librarians did in fact tell me so.

Yes, all of them.

Oh yes, I am most definitely sure.

30 seconds later I heard him asking the librarians. I guess my natural air of authority just doesn't wash with some people. Whatever. This man was having serious comprehension issues that the Universe somehow took away the free computers. 15 minutes later, while I was browsing the stacks, he was at the counter asking "Will there be computers tomorrow?". The librarian started out with a reasonable, justifiable, estimation that given the problem was a) diagnosed and b) rectified, there would probably be computers tomorrow.

No, she can't guarantee it.

No, it isn't definite that there will be computers tomorrow.

No, they aren't sure why at this stage.

No, she can't say for sure they will be working tomorrow.

Until finally she gave him what he wanted.

Yes, there will be computers tomorrow.

Everyone has their limits.

Ducks & Chicks & Geese Better Scurry

When I take you out with the hussy...



...with the fringe on top.

At Some Point In Every Parent's Life...

...this thought has crossed their mind.



It just takes one too many arewethereyet?s

Live Blogging The Eurovision Song Contest Second Semi-Finals

Mikey (the lovely ex) invited a few of us over tonight for lashings of champagne, pizza and the round 2 of Eurovision semi-finals. I tried to get a drinking game going, one scull for every key change... but frankly nobody can drink that much. At this juncture can I also say that this year is shaping up to be a diappointment. Maybe it's the climate of global financial crisis, but this year has precious few really crazy acts. For starters, where are all the drag queens and the costume tear-aways? Even the pyrotechnics seemed somehow diminished this year.



Croatia: First act of the evening and already I'm struggling for something amusing to write. I'm guessing by the "she's in white, he's in black" motif that it's some sort of battle of good versus evil. Or maybe they're singing "Ebony and Ivory"?

Ireland: Chick rock, Irish style! Sort of Joan O'Jett with the Bangles... and Bridgitte Neilsen on bass. Don't ask me, I have less than no idea.

Latvia: Somebody turn down the strobes because I think the lead singer is fitting. I haven't seen anyone that wide eyed and wired looking since the Mardi Gras laneway recovery at The Beresford Hotel, 1992.

Serbia: There is something about Serbian humour (and pop music) that doesn't translate well. Ommpah Loompa pixie shoes, a Phil Spectre 'fro and a petulant Alice (far from Wonderland) with enormous breasts. Sorry, just plain weird and not in a good way.

Poland: Modern interpretive dance! Caftan wearing back up singers! Rhythmic gymnastics!

Norway: In summary, a pretty boy with a violin, Aerobics Norway Style, a dancer loses a shoe. A popular one with the chicken hawks.



Cyprus: Pretty song, pretty young girl. Nice. Nothing to see here, move on.

Slovakia: If I were to say to you a) white baby grand piano b) candles c) a woman in a long white frock d) a dark bearded stranger in a dinner suit... would that say power ballad duet to you? Shame she missed a bunch of notes in there.

Denmark: Hello handsome! And what's not to love about a strapping lad with a nice set of shoulders and a kravat?

Slovenia: Shadow puppets!

Hungary: Somewhere a podium is missing a go-go boy. Gayest. Routine. And. Tightest. Pants. Ever!

Azerbaijan: I think I blanked this one, or went to the bathroom, or maybe had a catatonic episode. Snoresville with a vague Shakira sound.

Greece: This song was written by a pair of Australians making it the unofficial Aussie entry! I have no idea what the song was about, but OMG the special effects! The conveyor belt! The hydraulic ramp! The skin tight pants! Meanwhile, here's a thought provoking picture of the singer Sakis:


Nice.

Lithuania: A hard act to follow after Greece. A nice looking young man in a hat. Borderline dullsville after the big Greek in the skin tight pants.

Moldova: Vaguely slutty traditonal costumes. Nice purple boots. I think my attention is starting to waver. Can you tell?

Albania: Nikki Webster [Aussie cultural reference] with a pair of evil midgets and a Blue Man in teal sequins. Is it just me, the champagne, or are things getting weirder?



Ukraine: You may not know that the Ukraine was colonised by Romans in mirrorball glitter costumes, but based on the semi naked gladiators alone The Winners Of Eurovision 2009!

Estonia: Is it me or are the songs getting duller? Nice song, and she had nice hair? I've got nothing.

Netherlands: The veterans of Eurovision. As the compares said "The cast of 'Cocoon'..." in rhinestone suits. Ha!

Cultural presentation, and we're at the end. Blah. I'm kind of disappointed in the line-up this year. There is a distinct lack of truly crazy. I'm hoping tomorrow night will still hold a few surprises...

Live Blogging The Eurovision Song Contest First Semi-Finals

I tuned in late, so only got to see the last 6 of the 18 contestants. Some would say this is a good thing, but pshaw! I say. I has a sad, I only caught a third of the semi-final action! Thank goodness for brief recaps otherwise I might have completely missed a) a nelly disco dancer, b) a Czech nerd superhero, c) Belgian Elvis, d) 5 seconds of boring in a white suit from Belarus e) a Swedish operatic diva, f) Armenian riverdance, g) Andorran Girls-Aloud, h) some boybandishness i) Turkish disco bellydance (trans cultural!) j) Israeli worthy drummingness (the sisters are doing it for themselves) k) Bulgarian Lord of The Rings/Dance and l) Iceland, without Bjork...

So far the Russian hosts are doing an awesome job. They're almost incomprehensible!

So, my thoughts on the final 6 of the first Semi-Finals:

FYR Macedonia: cock rock is alive and well and living in the country we now like to think of as The Former Yugoslavian Republic of Bon Jovi

Romania: buckets of fake tan, 4 dancing girls in floaty frocks (wtf, Romanian water nyads?), treacherous dancing in high heels on a slidy glass stage, and a sound like every other Romanian entry I can think of. Borderline awesome.

Finland: Finland still thinks baseball caps turned backwards and fire dancers are rock (and roll).

Portugal: actually kind of nice! Plus, a squeezebox on stage. (No, I'm not referring to the singer.)

Malta: whoa. Power ballad on half wattage. Trying hard not to work in a cheap shot about the Rock of Gib-Malta but suffice to say (and I quote my friend Brendan) "what a lovely big dress, and my... isn't it full!"

Bosnia Herzegovina: first impression, regional touring company of Les Miserables in all white costumes. Second impression (see first impression).

Now we're onto the voting, and can I just say that the hosts are off the hook. And a little drunk I think. Wait, is he holding her up? And why does he keep kissing her? Eww, it's like an office Christmas party in here all of a sudden.

Interlude:
Russian cultural presentation for make good the Eurovision Song Contest! Cossacks! Russian army choirs! That thing where they spin the woman in a traditional costume so her dress twirls up! Hip hop dancers! More cossacks (seriously, they must have exhausted all the red synthetic satin in Russia). A pair of fake lesbians miming desultorily to their 'big hit'!

Results:
This year there is much talk of The Magic Button, and frankly the way the Russian host keeps leering about it I'm guessing it's not something he gets to push all that often. Instead it just starts up some graphic that looks like one of those fake email notification they use on tv show computers when they can't use anything by Microsoft. Anticlimax! So the 10 winners are announced. No Elvis! No superhero!

Just pray there are some drag queens in the second semi-finals!

Shrove Tuesday, Of A Sort

I've never been a tall and physically imposing person, but to confuse reality with metaphor, right now I'm flat as a pancake. Run through the mangle. Micron thin. It's only Tuesday and I feel as tired and jaded as if I've worked a few weeks without a break. All it has taken has been a couple of nights of broken sleep, some Wintery weather, a chesty cough (still) that just will not go... and... well that's probably enough. Work isn't even particularly stressfull at the moment, that mayhem happens in the first half of every month. (So next week, yay.)

On the upside I had a lovely phone call with Tall & Handsome, another call from my friend Stephen in Queensland, and now I'm watching the Indian episode of my favourite new program, the visually stunning Around The World In 80 Gardens. Let me tell you if there's one thing those Mughals knew how to do, that was gardens and stately pleasure domes decree.

And so to bed for an early night.

Oh but before I go, here's an interesting factoid. If you've read this blog for a while you might be familiar with the fact that I was put on a drug a while back to cure my restless leg related sleep problems. A very special drug that comes in a mink lined rosewood box, each tablet gold leafed by hand and inset with a semi-precious stone. Or at least, they should be given that they cost me $134 for a month's supply. Anyhoo, there's a new generic version on the market! Now they come in a silver gilt version in a lovely cedar box, with velvet lining for the princely sum of $100. So there's a saving right there. I'd rather they cost me $34 and I saved the $100, but you can't have everything right? So, my point (I do have one) is that the new tablets are a very curious shape. They're small, pink 10 sided polyhedrals.

Yes gamer nerds, every night now I take one small pink d10 with water before retiring.

The Art Of The Thinly Disguised Metaphor

Sabrina is busting to show you her ample racks and racks of slides. With Bell & Howell she keeps abreast of the latest in audio visual equipment.

Plus, she has amazing tits.

[Via Vintage Ads.]

Lost In Translation

Sometimes you need to re-frame things in terms people can relate to.

Last weekend, whilst having gone bush, one semi-drunken conversation lead to another and the topic found itself lurching around to dogging. Now you have to factor in that dogging is not a widely known term (or activity) in Australia, and the woman trying to explain the phenomenon was a) tipsy and b) almost incomprehensibly Irish. The conversation turned to the complicated system of car headlight codes that mean you can watch, you can join in, or you can feck off you ugly bastard. (As she put it.) One of the members of the university faculty (and fellow homosexualist) was struggling to get a grip on the concept.

Until I turned to him and said "It's a beat (cottage/tearoom)... for straight people."

Bingo.

Talk To Me Some Crafts!

Let's Craft Talk! Let's Craft Talk!

"You make stuff that I desire. All I want to do is acquire!"

God I love Leslie Hall.