You know, I don't do a lot of venting here (or at least I try not to) so I'll ask for your patience while I get this off my chest. Hey, come along and explore the dark recesses of my psyche before we resume normal programming!
I'm having a bad day today. A really bad one. A take-this-job-and-shove-it-screw-you-all-just-try-and-push-me-one-step-further type day. It's mostly, but not all, about work. You know, this isn't a hard job, although it does involve a huge spike of work at the start of each month (like the suck ass task of writing around 300 invoices, just for starters).
Or it shouldn't be hard, but everybody down the chain from me misses their deadlines on a regular basis. Because I'm at the end of the chain before things go to Head Office, I'm the one that is always under the gun each month to meet my deadlines. I've complained about it, we've had meetings and assurances, and nothing has changed. The managers seem unable or unwilling to deal with it effectively.
So, I bit back the temptation to sling in my resignation. I would dearly love to, but being without a housemate and paying double rent at the moment means that I can't afford to be without my fortnightly income. What I did do was apply for a week's holiday next week. I need the break, plus I need time to get the house 'new housemate ready', get quotes from house painters, have the carpets cleaned etc. I kind of begrudge using up my annual leave, but the break will be nice.
Maybe I'll start job applications while I'm at it.
The other thing that sent me on a negative spiral this morning was running into an old friend I hadn't seen for a while on the train this morning. David and I have never been close, close friends, but we have socialised quite a bit in the past and enjoy each other's company. David is one of those lean, handsome, funny and thoroughly charming guys that seems kind of ageless. He's a real sweetie.
You know when you meet someone you haven't seen for a long time, and you see that moment where their eyes flick downward for a brief split-second? Not judging you as such, but just taking in the changes. The fact that I'm probably 6-8 kilos heavier than I was when we used to hang out together regularly. It wasn't anything unkind or judgemental that he did, but in that moment I saw a quick flash of surprise. Right before I felt my self esteem wilt a little.
We all fear this right? This is the thing that stops most people from attending school reunions and such like, seeing that moment of comparison between what is and what was, and surprise.
Ugh. Woe is me, right? Pity party, your table is ready. Anyway. Don't worry it's just a bad day today, as Annie said "the sun'll come out tomorrow". Although I think the forecast is for rain.