We are the Elite Designers. We design profound and beautiful furniture for those with wealth and taste. Which is why IKEA makes us furious, livid and angry. Do their designs live, breathe and growl? Are they born from tears of pain? Do they gently touch the bottom of the human soul? Pah! Of course not, no more than weeds can attract a bee. The big blue place is odious, its affordable design is sickeningly shallow and we loathe it even more than we loathe football. Please join us in our unqualified hatred.
Jeezalou, put down the cough syrup and get a grip on yourself. Who knew that it was the role of a side table to 'touch the bottom of the human soul'?
[Oh, and by the way I suspect the entire thing might just be somewhat tongue in cheek. I sure as hell hope so.]