Blogging is a curious thing. Fabulous, sometimes a bit of a struggle, and frequently very illuminating. I never kept a diary before I started blogging. I would decide to, jot down a few pages, and then lose motivation. Inevitably I would have just read the diaries of Virgina Wolfe, or Gertrude Stein or some other vintage diarist (not just lesbians I hasten to add) and decide that being a diarist would be Very Grand Indeed.
History of the "such-and-such did such-and-such on this day" type bores me to tears, but books about how people lived, what they enjoyed, how they dressed and what they ate fascinate me. Social history. I'm nothing if not social, and apparently it's how I like my history too. I mention this because being a diarist, or journal keeper, or even blogger of the "today I had noodles for lunch" school does not really interest me. Thoughts and feeling do, sometimes I like to record a day in words or pretty pictures sure, but mostly this is about how I felt on that day.
So I mention this in the context of the entry I made on Monday night. It reflects where I was at on the day. I'm not distancing myself or downplaying it, just putting it into the context that it is a snapshot of a moment in time. A moment when I was pretty cranky with myself for being silly, a bit paranoid and for forgetting some of the lessons I've spent the past few years learning. In that context it's interesting for me too, as I hope it might be for you, because it also reinforces what I know to be true.
Impermanence. None of us are the same person we were two years ago, two weeks ago, or two hours ago. Ditto for the future. This too shall pass, the 'good' and the 'bad'. Trying to hold onto any of that, thinking that things can exist as fixed in time, or that there is an unchanging "I" that can be fixed in time, is a recipe for disaster and dissatisfaction. Sometimes this blog shows me all sorts of lessons about just how changeable things are, and just how different my thoughts, reactions and judgements can be depending on the mental state I am in at the time. Potent stuff and a valuable lesson.