Monday, June 26, 2006

Old Patterns

Do you ever see yourself as others see you? Do you ever have moments where you see your behaviour as someone else might see it? Just the outward appearance of things, without all the back story, hopes, fears, decisions, justifications, experience and weaknesses that lead you to that point? To only see the tip of the iceberg, the bit that manifests above sea level. See level, perhaps.

Sometimes I get those moments and they can be quite sobering. Sure that's me, my words and my actions, but that's not the full picture. There's a story behind it. There's a prologue, footnotes and a glossary that needs to be read before you really understand the sentence.

I see the way I can behave when rattled, when feeling that things might not be going right and there must be something, anything, I can do to stop it. To fix it. To make sure that things really are alright. The slightly crazed manic edge, the one that endlessly asks "Are things ok? Is it ok? Are you ok?" but is really asking "Am I ok? Do you think I'm ok?"

Gah. Even I find it exhausting and irritating, and its my behaviour we're talking about here. All that energy seeking validation.

I don't want to overstate the issue, we're talking about occasional behaviours here. One thing I am not is a gibbering validation seeking missile. I'm talking about the moments when you hear the words as they leave your mouth and you go "Oh, shit. Here we go again with the same old song. Why did I say that, rather than just keeping my big mouth shut?"

Anyhoo, seeing a problem is the first step in understanding and then solving a problem. The ruthless exploration of my own mind, and all the many lessons I've learned through Buddhism about mind delusions, about how destructive the stories we tell ourselves can be, have both helped and made the behaviour more noticeable to me.

Partly we're talking about confidence here, about not getting paranoid, about not expecting worst case scenarios, about not applying the Doom Filter and learning to just basically chill the fuck out for Chrissakes.


Ur-spo said...

A thoughtful blog, to be sure.

Ever hear your own voice on a recording? that too reminds me of the topic you process today.

Q - 60's girl said...

Why didnt you just take the phone from Bodhi and keep talkin? lol
Well said, all the same - i am hearing you!!! *me listening*

I know it is fleeting, somedays it doesnt exist and then somedays...well here you are. Its worth a mention. In some ways even validation isnt quite the word to describe it - its possibly aligned with attachment.

"How do you relate to the spirit from your side - the spirit that can influence peoples minds. Everything that is blocked from your previous lives - karma delusion.
Ultimate happiness is within total liberation. Seperate to spirit influence - you must see 'this is not me' the true me. Nobody can harm you if from your side you have no delusion karma.
The physical appearance of myself and others is in the body of the Noble One. One persons good heart, is the cause of happiness to others..." Lama Zope, 2006.

I take good notes no? lol ("hmmm i should be using all this good stuff for my blog - but TOA needs to hear it" *me talking to self*).

TOA you have a good heart, your flatmate has a good heart - and i heart you both...

I know you will wake up content but please leave this post up - you are helping others and its good stuff
: )

Michael Guy said...

Yes. Even now I am in the midst of a 'template' experience with someone. I know the beginning, I know the middle. And, fearfully, I know the end. Because 'the end' cannot be 'the end' I want...but will be the one I surely get.

Somedays I feel trapped within the ruts I've carved from the past; my wheels won't...can't deviate from the path I've already carved into the hard clay of my mind. At this age, I'm not so moldable. As in 'shaping things'...not moldy, like cheese. Yep.

I'm fearing I've made a mess of things. Nevermind. This is a ramble. Go back to bed, Andrew.

The Other Andrew said...

Ur-spo, in my head my voice is a macho basso profundo yet sadly it doesn't quite sound the same when I hear it as others do. I know what you mean.

Q 60's Girl, the whole post comes down to dealing with attachment really. Ego, grasping, not realising impermanence and emptiness (to use traditional Buddhist terminology). It was just something I wanted to get off my chest. I wanted to reflect on how I can see that behaviour as it arises, which is a big positive too. Thanks for the sweet words.

MG, I've been in that 'trapped' in a rut too before. Stepping out of a rut is hard. You know that we all care about you, and wish the best for you right? Hopefully that's some small compensation. :)

Q - 60's girl said...

Got you there already on "attachment" TOA see your Flickr email : )

Q - 60's girl said...

Oh and michael guy: a mess you have not made... hang in there where ever there is : )

worldpeace and a speedboat said...

ooh, meaningful, thoughtful, and hopefully born not out of too deep a funk?

Q - 60's girl said...

Oh i know Worldpeace - i think we are all funky at the moment... maybe TOA was right it could be the weather... but there is certainly depth

Michael said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Michael said...

Old patterns die hard. I think recognizing them is a big step, don't you? Recognizing them as they they manifest out ur mouf...that's the hard part. But if it isn't hard, it isn't worth it, right?

worldpeace and a speedboat said...

oooh Q60, we are all damn funky round here, aren't we? and sometimes the other funky too ;)