Friday, May 27, 2011

I Am Alive

I am. Not just breathing. Not just with a heart pumping blood. Alive.

I should fill in some of the blanks on my unexpected, unplanned absence. Such a long list of "uns"; unhappy, undecided, unable. Unemployed. To name just a few.

I've come out of one of the most difficult times I have ever been through. So much unhappiness and anger, that some days I sat on the sofa (unwashed, there's another one) completely stalled. No cogs turning at all. After more than a month of this I thought "I should probably get some professional help".

I didn't, as it turns out. But I am writing this all in the past tense, so it is passed. Past. And good riddance.

By the end of last year I couldn't shake off stress and anxiety, and as the new year rolled around things seemed to be conspiring to up the ante. In late January I was fired from my job. Not retrenched. Not "let go". Not having a contract non renewed. Fired.

Fired by email in fact. By a boss who was so chicken shit, so inconsiderate and so unwilling to see how that might make me feel that he couldn't even speak to me face to face. A man who I thought considered me a peer. I still to this day don't have a real handle on the actual reasons, but I have (largely) gone past the point of caring now. It took a while.

Amusingly, and astoundingly, my boss fired me by email on a Monday and because of a busy week and a midweek public holiday I didn't read my home emails all week. I kept turning up for work, sitting at my desk alongside my boss, all week and he didn't say a thing. Not until he sent me a text message on the Friday night to tell me to read my emails. Such is the measure of the man, I figure.

So I never went back. Never said my goodbyes. Never got to give him the finger he so richly deserved. (And yes he broke the rules against unfair dismissal, and no I didn't pursue the legal action I could have. At the time I just couldn't.)

I spent all of February and much of March bouncing backwards and forwards between melancholy and rage. I ate. I sat on the couch. I cried a bit a few times. And then I decided that things had to change.

And they have. After being unemployed for about 7 weeks I landed myself a great job at a university. Working less hours, and taking home around $120 a week more than in my old job. Then about 4-5 weeks ago I decided I needed to get a grip on my depression era weight gain, and be more pro-active about my high blood pressure, and I started dieting and exercising more. I've now lost just under 6kgs and the gut is well and truly in retreat.

Things are good. I feel like I'm achieving something. Participating. Contributing. Being appreciated. And importantly feeling like I'm in control, energised and excited. Losing weight is a big part of that, and both a catalyst and a symptom of the process. I'm pulling my shit together, being disciplined, and in return I'm getting feedback and reinforcement every time I jump on the scales.

While I'm carefully watching what I eat that's not to say that I don't still want to serve up a big bowl of fuck you to my old boss. But maybe one day that dish can be served up cold.

12 comments:

Pam said...

Welcome back :) I kept checking your blog every once and while hoping to see a sign of life and voila, you reappeared! Be strong, look forward and learn from the past - you have a lot to offer the world so do just that and all will be well. Have a wonderful weekend!

Lara said...

Hugs.

And there is something about success being the ultimate revenge. Yah.

missfee said...

yay - and so good to see you last weekend you were looking really good!!!

I am appalled at the way you were treated in 'that' job, but I am so pleased that you have a better job now

Mousicles said...

Good to see you online again (and good to see you at other night in person) So glad to hear that life is looking up for you.

Nicole said...

I am very glad to hear that things are getting better, and will never be going near your old workplace again. Bastards!!!

M-H said...

I'm...staggered. Just staggered. How can people behave like that? Well, I'll tell you something: my exprience is that the people who now work in that cute little shop have no bloody idea how to deal with knitters. Well, not with this knitter, any way. I thought you were still around; I keep going in there, hoping to catch you. Little did I know...

Glad you have a better job - the money in that old one was always shit. And Unis can be really good places to work. They can't just fire you, anyway - takes weeks to get HR to act on anything! If it happens to be the Uni where I'm working look me up and we can have coffee.

The Other Andrew said...

Thanks for the encouragement everyone! You guys rock.

jamesobrien said...

Welcome back.

LynS said...

We should meet up for coffee at work. Good to have you around and feeling OK.

Kerry said...

Welcome back! Sorry to read about the shits at M & Sons, what arseholes. Pleased to hear your life is on a more even keel now. Hugs.

Mindy said...

Sat next to you for a week!?! So much better off out of there.

Mutterings from Maryville said...

Just decided to check (after a few months) to see if there was any sign of life on your blog and voila, there you are! Excellent to see you back and also that the sun is starting to shine more strongly for you! Glad to see you back on track.